As I go throughout my day I'm worn, My enthusiasm fades and I don't like seeing so many people because I don't have the time or energy or attention to invest in them. Sometimes I avoid or lie or patronize so I don't have to really "try." I find comfort when anticipated, heart-requiring, painful, comfort-zone challenging interactions are cancelled. Thoughts of my needs cloud my vision and I just want to be alone. I comfort myself by "being nice" to people, thinking I have done my duty or "put people before myself." My time is given to spending time with people and encouraging them but bearing to lsiten to hearts that I have no understanding of or have anything to say to is tooooo much and I say nice things sometimes just so I feel like I've done my part and I don't have to bear it anymore. I try to keep up with everybody online and offline but I' spread this so it's mostly surface. Intimacy seems farther and farther away and resentment competes with the more urgent call to love. "LOvE, LOVE, your LOve is growing cold!!" I numb the urgency with food or sleep or spontaneity because spending time with Jesus when I'm so needy seems fruitless. Because I'm exhausted and people rely on me I feel like I'm self-sacrificing and doing the work, but I still avoid that call to love, to be unfettered and to live with divine power. I still have a weak desire for Jesus and sometimes I hesitate when He asks me to follow Him. When I step back and analyze my thought life it's mostly spent in planning, disappointment with my performance, assessing needs and trying to see past myself so that I can "serve". Self- denial is different than self ignorance. I'm longing to live by the Spirit in value and bestowing value. I've been demoted to a half-hearted worker again and I don't know how I was deceived and hardened. My words don't fool God. He hears my prayers and my genuine heart for people is treasured by Him. He's pinpointing the disconnect. Where the desire He has given me is expressed through my ways rather than His. Where I look to manipulate by kindness or flattery or vanity. where emotional connections so easily captivate me and I try to cope with them and what God says at the same time. I look to carry burdens. I look to be wounded. I look for intimacy in an ocean of relationship. Sometimes I feel drowned in fleshy interactions, grasping at any noble or good thing to set my mind on. then I strive to find just one good thing to settle on, not realizing that I've been deceived into identifying a "form" of godliness. What are these flowery nothings I speak? What are these half-hearted condemnations that drain me? What are these old ways I feel are threatened? What are these immaturities I'm scared will be seen? If I voiced what I really wanted to say would Jesus be heard? How have I been fooled into thinking this is love? How have I turned away from the bloody cross, the empty tomb and the endwelling flame to say a cold, ignorant, "I love you" This doesn't satisfy, what am I doing?!
I'm exposing my flesh!
I CAN'T LOVE! I DON'T UNDERSTAND LOVE! I REPENT FROM PRETENDING TO BE THE CHILD I'VE GIVEN UP ON OR DISBELIEVED IN! MY WAYS ARE FAULTY AND THOSE DEFEATING OBSTACLES ARE LITTLE COMPARED TO YOUR LOVE.
"GIVE ME EVERYTHING!" You say, "DON'T HOLD BACK! Leave behind these attempts and more forward by proclaiming death and the choice I've given you to choose me! I'm SO JEALOUS FOR YOU and YOUR ATTENTION and PREOCCUPATIONS. I'M NOT SAFE and CONTROL IS A LIE!"
I embrace Your most High standard instead of looking away and coping because I can't live it. I need intimacy more than anything else in my life.
All the stress and business was you! Trying to bring forth my needs and inability; all the pressure was for me to come to the end of myself. JEsus when I'm not willing or ignorant about how to fight for myself you use your own ways to save me. How could I dare to shrink/ justify/ or dull love so that I could "understand" it and "use" it. My micro-managed version is pitiful compared to reality and I can't love.
"Set me as a seal upon your heart. As a seal upon your arm; for your love is as strong as death, Jealousy as sever as Hell. It's flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly despised."
Song of Songs 8:6-7
