Dusting in the room of memory...

I hesitate to look again at this blank page. It's been so long. I am not the same. Do I remember me like that? I look at the dusty shelves of the shimmering parts I have forgotten. Busy building. Busy chasing. Busy....busy... Please let their be fruit from this effort.
It's quiet in here. Time still and I stop to remember. Remember us. Remember who we have been together and what I knew soo well back then. Remember the battles we've waged. Me on Your lap. Visions of You so clearly, so often. SO REAL! Papa I mourn what I have lost. Can these parts of me belong in the now?
I speak to these parts of me I once knew so well, "Come forth!" I am a writer. I sing songs to soothe. To touch my Father's heart and honor His rightful place. I bring color and laughter to worlds around me and remind others that freedom even still exists.
Sing out if you know His song please. I scour the conversations I hear looking for His words. I find few. I need these words because I'm getting so used to the anger, the dissatisfaction, the complaining stretched out for miles on the verbal landscape of my people. Do we know.... do we still know... we have forgotten who we are.
Move in me Father. I dust these mountains and chains from my back. I love how you clean the filth from me that my filthy hands never can.
Let this depth, let these treasures not be a thing of the past.
Launch me forth in Your creativity that the world has not yet seen! I create to bring life. I wield your words like a weapon of destruction to death, to complacency, to doubt, to defeat. You move and I watch and tell all that will listen of the miracle.
You move Papa....
I watch....
Erase my hamster wheel goals.
I will wipe my eyes so I can be changed by something I see for once.
You. Looking at You changes me and the world I see and love.
Beckon. You beckon. Our history jolts me into the kind of future you have for me. Bring me back to this place as many times as you have to Father. I can be who You see me as.

John 1

Before creation was our Saviour and King. Not existent and then servant-like, Jesus Christ is a Messiah who existed before creation always defined to be the answer, the truth, the wisdom to satiate our deep ache for His fingerprints within us to be more. You Jesus, molded us and through you and the breath of our Father were we made. Our familiarity with your hands was dulled by darkness. We turned from you thinking that life was on our terms and the secret deeds were our purpose. But there you came into the world! You were with God and were God, time passed, we made things worse, all was shrouded in darkness and finally you came and entered the world. You Jesus, the reason the logic that Greeks so value and puzzle about wondering are you tangible are you possible? Yes and in fact can we not only meet Truth, we can live in love with you and never have to bear the weight of wisdom but depend on You in relationship as your spirit dwells within us and testifies to our eternal connection with you.
You came. The Word, into our space, looking like us, to bring light to our doorstep. To mess up our structured disorders and get us to look into your face, the one we not only didn't recognize but also rejected. The one we were made by and predestined to be saved by His blood. All meaning, all truth, all goodness is only a testimony of you Jesus. Nothing is made outside of You! You hold all expression, all passion coming in all power to move heaven and earth that we would have the fulfillment of the light only found in you. When your light burst through our plummets of stale sin, the darkness our weak eyes only knew could do nothing in the splendor of your light, bursting to reclaim the destinies of the ones you have made.
John came first. You sent him to get your people ready for the revolution of truth to come. His wild calls started waking up hearts, making people think twice about sin and their allegiances to God. Questions were to form, hearts were to be cleansed to receive, Holla ya'll this is the lamb of God and John was to be whole-heartedly obsessed, ready and poised to harold the coming of the one who would come after him but would be far above him himself. Because of John, belief arose, unsettling the dust and empty vessels were cleansed ready to be filled by the Spirit that would meet up with Jesus the one John wouldn't even consider helping strap his sandles. The extent of John's faith was astounding. This burning lamp testified of a man he knew very little about, yet he gave his very life to stake out in the desert, live off of bugs and honey and wear camel hides for. John did not even fellowship with Jesus, he didn't know him but gave everything that people would believe in his name. When questioned he only identified himself as a statement pointing to the coming of God's son. Crazed and awake to the voice and movements of God, John immediately went off in declaration of the sight of Jesus both times that he saw him. "This is the one!" he said, " this is the one who will take away the sin of the world!" In John's witness, there was a deeper call for a dawning of relearning. Striking the dirt in preparation that the law of Moses would finally be made full and brought to life.
This Jesus Christ brought not only the power of this law but the reality of it fully manifested within him in the grace of being known by him, being personally rebuked by him, redeemed and loved in his death and filled with hope in his Resurrection.

What happens when the kindness shown to a fool that they may be humbled is shown to you. I am a fool and let there be mercy! After months of denial I'm being confronted with issues that I can't avoid. I have to deal with the fact that my work environment is a mess and my positive resolve isn't making it anymore. I have to deal with the fact that I have checked out at church and I set my mind to be more involved but quite frankly I want to move to a different location and go to another church. How have I convinced myself up to this point that I'm fine because I'M NOT and I have to deal with this issue. I have to deal with the issue that I'm not satisfied in the relationship that I'm in. Right now, staying home for awhile is looking pretty good. LORD!!! HELP!! The pitifulness of my kindness was revealed in the face of a new hire and whose been having trouble finding his place. I was open with him and let him know how things are around here and he has to pull it together to keep his job. Little did I know that the managers are going around bullying him and treating him like a five year old. I realize I cope by surrounding myself with positivity and avoid facing conflict because I've never learned to deal with s***. Jesus confronted issues!!!!;kajsnd;filanw;fovi He wasn't just nice all the time. Mercy that's just. Lord work a miracle where that comes out of me because I've been flowing in a whole lot of criticism and judgment because apparently I can't deal with real problems. Lord, how blind I have been to reality because I have just been "faithing" it out. True hope recognizes severe circumstances and exists anyway. I don't know what to do. Lord, please lead me. Let your correction come and let me discern and divide wisely. Lord, I have gotten to the place where I need to be trained to be mature not

Give Him Worth!

FINALLY!
Creation on the edge of its seat. Rolling, breaking through rumble, horn's final blast! With sweating brow and gritted teeth her final scream bore the one we needed. Hope was born and laid in a feeding trough. Son of Man, majestic. Is He not? What if you turned the corner of a bus stop and found a couple huddled around a newborn Only to come close and peer into the face of Divine Royalty?
Humbled.
Things never look as expected or anticipated.
Yet every detail down to the very breath of the Prince of Peace was sovereignly planned. Nothing lost.
Marked.
Sign after sign. Deep meaning and purpose in detail. Jewish. Virgin mother. Star of Bethlehem. Son of David. Threatened by a King.
Recognized by only a few God Lovers.
Sought after by star gazers and shepherds.
Unaware.
Divinity came with no fanfare. God in a bocy receiving no praise. Star in the sky and night like any other.
Innkeepers were serving guests, soldiers were carrying out orders, mothers were tending children to bed and servants cleaning after the day's tasks Little did we know. SURPRISE!
Heaven's sights were set on us. The chosen One sleeping right outside our door Light born to brokeness. Darkness familiar. Brilliant light beckoning!
Waiting! For thirty years more our Savior grew. Tears were still shed, poor oppressed, lame mocked, blind neglected, taxpayers cheated and Jews were lost.
Yet Salvation was in motion and getting stronger. Mind molded by His Heavenly Father Truth is a man. His only lifeline and quiet source is God's will. All that had been lost now found in Him.
Christmas,
Remember O Soul, the hands that were wrapped around a father's finger whose sight was no better than mine Heaven unfolding a mystery to humans. Angels informing us who could only fear and say, "Yes Lord."
Joseph's attentions had to be drawn away from the priorities of the moment
His credibility colliding with the reputation of his pregnant fiance
Yet God's holy hands in Joseph's dilemmas revealed something bigger. Eternal purposes, plans and power. His time table working with respect for no one.
Emmanuel.
God with us. It is finished the air is cleared. The light has dawned! Oh! Joy! Our mountains are but mole hills in the light of our Heavenly Father's invitation to join His eternal grand scheme. Can we disrespect temporary problems for a bit? Will we stop to listen? Don't we want to take time and adore God's closeness as He chose to get on our level and whisper and shout!: NEW PRIORITIES! FREEDOM FROM HABITS! NEW MINDS! NEW DESTINIES! Mary nursed babies cries that night that years later called, "Lose your life for me!:
Then, you will find it.
Jesus Christ came to earthly problems and took their fate out of the picture.
And because of this, I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Walls

I've just come to realize the forts I've constructed. Many I've made on my own. I believe we all our builders, we don't have a choice. But left to our own vices we make fortresses instead of homes. Ouch. While i may have been busy blocking and censoring, there was nothing I was trying to accommodate in my heart instead. Help! Jesus!!! Come to this suffering part of my heart. How I've bumped up against others and heard echoes in me and tried to deter my disappointed gaze. Why have I guarded? Holy Spirit don't you, the brutality of beauty dwell within? Have I made you a home in me? My hurting, screaming heart makes me think otherwise. I become obsessed with doing and being disciplined and growing that my roots need vitamins again.  Your words ALONE are my vitamins. Not people time, not creating time, not more discipline or appetite fulfillment. LISTENING to your words is the key. hmmm talk to me again and again my sweet, sweet Creator and Lover. Though I'm finitely small, you zoom in an woo my heart out of it's silly hiding. Jesus come to me in the moments when I try to conjure my beauty and sense of self. Jesus, my heart is heavy for being in this position, very guarded and very easily wearied. Ugh where are is the wellspring of life you promised and how have I rejected it Jesus? Why do I hide in moments where I am to serve you? It's the pressure. I feel inadequate to measure up and so I don't give it a chance. God I put so much pressure on myself and end up stifling the potential I have. What do I do?? How do I choose faith instead? How do I act from where I am at? How do I uncensor myself in a holy fashion, pleasing to you?

Obssessing over His feet

I' ve come to realize that the present in light of eternity leaves little value in circumstantial worry or doubt. They exist but they are passing. The highlights and the treasures in the now involve my heart's affections and what stirs them. It involves my eyes and the voice I hear when I move. All these chess pieces that have been moving, the offenses that have exposed my overgrown hedges and my driving fears bring me back to one face.
You see, the passing trials come and go but His gaze is locked and He is finally getting my attention. You know those couples that see each other in a crowded place and it becomes only them in the room? Jesus is my locked gaze. He is a God of intimacy and no matter the beauty or good that may reflect off of me, He, above all is thoroughly knowledgeable of the pathetic doubts that I have entertained, the lying voices that have thundered through my inward man day and night and my wavering ways. Yet He has never left my side. This is the wonder of wonders isn't it?! That the God of the universe gives Himself away forever and ever, covenant-tied to the ashes of me!! Oh how self-pity tries to weasel its way on like a name tag and disappointment goads my relationships into defense mode. Don't forget discontment's rally to begin a tail chasing frenzy. He has to tell me thousands of times a day how to fight. My script is blurred from my sweaty hands and tears; crumpled from seemingly failed attempts. So lately, I've just started boasting in what I've got: Him! I've been loving Him more than the ruts that I feel I'm to endure for now. My captive attention has locked onto His feet. Tunnel vision makes my life better and my load lighter. One foot lifts, the other holds weight as the first establishes a tread with a long stride. Wow these feet are so beautiful. Unfettered and conquering, these feet know where they are going and they lead with perfect pace, fully aware of my dawdling follow through. Tell me, whose simple task matches the fullness of His? Forever everlasting love is His nature and it is lavished on me! He does not lead me to be tempted but leads me to be delivered and testing and trials only ensure deliverance, perfected peace and love and faith. I am challenged time after time, " Sophia, what is your hope? Will it stand? You are worth serving the Most High God!" One foot in front of the other. His stride does not become inhibited by my pain or rebellion. He knows my darkness well but He calls me Lovely and woos my heart to softness confident only to receive Truth. Because He does not lie. He wants my best. He seeks my sanctification; looking like Him! His sun shining, unbelievably He calls me moon praising the shine that I am to reflect. He willing does all the work. There is nothing bigger then Him and there is never anything for Him to freak out over, not even my mess! His nature is a goodness you can only believe if you taste. These feet make you hungrier. Following this man will kill your self-improvement, guessing games and facades. Control become less and less an ambition and more a self awareness. The truth is, living doesn't mean preventing pain and micro-managing to ensure pleasure. I'm free from the experimental rat cage predictability. Instead, my life joy is offering up this livelihood to the most authentic, sure-fire Answer the world has ever known. My darkness has once been informed of light when He stepped into my heart's chambers. Now I follow these feet as He leads into Brighter light. It becomes more appealing everyday. Our destination will clear up the narrowness now. Who am I to calculate our love? For He is who I am following.

Mothering my childish heart

Ouch. My heart was caught in public. Embarrassed. A child who got away from her mother, obnoxious to distraction. Look at me! She yells. I need your attention!
Playing with hearts like toys brandishing innocent smiles like her hands mean well. "You are a good play thing but that's all you can be." Heart, how you've convinced me your childish ways are cute! This need cries out and male attention is like a match that sets the whole thing a blaze. The character I thought I had going for me was overridden by the scent of affection. The beast is awakened and unsatisfied. FEED ME!
I sit back aghast at this tell-tale condition of desperation. Is that really me? But I thought I was fine. She eats her veggies and she has learned how to read. Teachers say she's one of the best students. And yet desperation calls to her and she responds like its her name! Obedient to hold their gaze like a catcher in left-field. Is this the shame I've born?
The immaturity I've tried to hide? Doing and doing to hide my addiction to attention?
Did you draw him close to expose this bratty diva?
YOU KNEW!
The whole time I perceived your wisdom to be orchestrating and training, You placing me to learn more, to help. "Look at us God! There is hope for humanity." Maybe I'm not the efficient tool I thought I was and it's me that needs to change.
As long as you aren't shining that bright light on my weak parts I'm fine and we can be close Lord.
I don't like giving up my chocolates and my messy face is cute right Papa God?
If I stay happy in you and not worry I can keep playing games right?
Obedience is change. Obedience calls me to identify with an older age group.
You know me!
You signed onto my unkempt whines and obstinate fits.
If man looks at the outward appearance but you look at the heart, I've heard many pleasing remarks and I pay bills. But it's you who sees my three year old self in her glory and you want more from me. "This is the tug of war I've had so much trouble with?"
Put me in my place. Submission rests these desires and reveals the pain that looks so harmless but needs to grieve. All of me Lord. I need to grow up and give up on these binging practices so my heart's hunger for love can feast on you, the God man, embodiment of love.