Wait Passionately for the Lord...

Father, Savior,
I've been thinking alot lately about You coming back. On that day in consummation, the church will be made beautiful. We've been aching for centuries to understand You as our Lover. Is it wrong to understand You as the One to wipe away the Bride's tears? God is it ok to praise You with all that I am as an emotional being? As one lovesick? Is it glorifying You if I'm looking to be fulfilled? Jesus, You are the Servant of All. The One who seals my heart until the time is ready for You to open the scrolls and all heaven breaks loose! Father, have I been unwise in my choice-making?God how do I know to do Your will? What does it mean to commit my ways to You? You use all things for the good of those who love You so if I don't have conviction about something is there a wrong decision? You as a Redeemer, and me as one loving You, can I mess up Your will? Is happiness a reality? God, I know You never change and that every day, all day, I am to be joyful in that revelation, but is that ignorance? I want to dive into the depths of You but am I prepared to be challenged and not be reaffirmed? Is the Rock I was so sure of Truth? Father, may I not hold onto false ideals just so I can be comforted. God I want to be intimiately knowledgeable of Truth.
April 2010

Hanktay Ouyay

Soveriegn,
O, how You hover over creation. The creation groaning for beauty. To be cleansed and restored in the wind of Your breath once again. Take my heart as a gift to further redemption. For because of Your grace I can continually give You this gift. I do not know Your plans. My heart craves to understand, but it is not for me to know. I thank You Father. I thank you again. I am in a good place. Now I understand what David meant when he said that You set him on a high rock. God, was it not a couple days ago that You gave me a dream saying I would live to see the end, Your return? Is this my desire or Your words of promise and expectation? Father, in these times I pray for thankfulness to abundantly flow in the minds of those greatly experiencing community with You. God we have You, why would we see Your glory through us as ours? Whatever Your doing may our lips speak only thanks. For what else is there for us to speak to You? I love You. May my eyes continually seek Your heart in thirst for You. Not me! You are a wise and powerful Ruler. No one can understand fully but You. No one can understand fully but You. No one can pierce concrete and warm it like You.
April 2010

Where is the whisper in the wind??

Father, Thank you, Thank you for Your unaffected faithfulness. Nothing I can do can swerve Your spirit. Father, I am confused. I want to trust You but what am I trusting, is it just an idea or truth? Father, my heart is crying out for the TRUTH. You are my rock, but is my perception supposed to moldable? If You are what I have how can I hold onto something I don't understand? Your holding onto me Daddy, right? You intervene don't You? Father, we can't do anything without You. But how much responsibility do we have? How much are we just flippant to? How much evil can we prevent through Your goodness? Did you not come to save the world? how much of my faith is concrete because I'm so wave-tossed? God, can my theologies and values be truth or am I just guessing or hypothesizing? Change my eyes, tune my ears to the power of truth and the bigger picture of You. Father, I have proclaimed truth in the past and I will stick to that, but God is there more? With so many lost, hurting, broken,should I just go in my own strength? should I wait on You? You know my heart. God in Your graciousness fulfill my soul. In Your justice guard my heart.
April 2010

"... you will be like God knowing good and evil..."

I have committed this sin. I've been committing this sin. I've believed the lie that I'm a secret away from understanding how to govern myself. I've been going ahead of God for years and I don't even see it. I listen and get inspired but do I wait for the movement of His plan? No, I take for granted that the urgency of the problem is more important and I must care and jump in. No. no. no. As I pray for deliverance I plan ways to avoid it next time. What kind of crap surrender is that. Satan has been telling me I'm lacking and that if I just get control of my life I'll have it all together. I CAN NEVER:BE GOD! God, this fruit is attached to my hand. I can't get rid of it. The juice has stained my face and I don't know how to wash my thirsty lips. May I surrender to the fullness of your discipline. You are God and my screaming desires are lies. Following You is sacrificing those desires. May I lay them down AGAIN. TEACH ME. SHOW ME HOW. Test my wicked heart. JUDGE ME! May I rest in the faith that You are the Ultimate Faithful One and Your bigger/stronger. Your heart for me is more. Have Your way with me. I'm god no longer. I know nothing. You know ALL. Focus my heart for Your glory. Tune my ears to Your voice. Teach me how to praise. To receive from You once again.

May He quiet the overactive audience of my heart. Peace, audience, peace. Listen to the Master speak life and understanding to your confusion.

April 2010

Your Gifts of Silver and Gold I've Been Giving To Another

So I'm stripped. I felt like You took everything from me and I'm left with nothing to identify myself with. Just abstract. Forming to whatever You tell me. That's what I prayed for! That's what I wanted!... and I've felt so lonely. This time that you've set aside for me so graciously I've taken for rejection. I thought that I was out. I did something wrong and sought them out. I'm aching! Looking Jesus! Where is the one my heart loves? Why are you bringing my heart to attention to this loss? How do you fill it? Am I scared to be complete? Am I holding on to this idol of love in my heart. Milking it for all it's worth. Conjuring up touch-feeling fantasies to entertain the missing puzzle piece of my heart? WHY DO I KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN! WHY DO I HOLD OUT? Why do I insist on looking when my mind tells me its not time. You whisper it is. With a knowing smile you whisper,

"It is time, dearest, but not the time you thought. It's time to remember all the years of husband worship. All the years you've spent setting your heart on this man. It's time to relive all the obsessive hours in contemplation and energy devoted to gain approval. Sophia, it's time. You say you are ready to have no expectations and you think you're doing pretty good but what about the lies your believing? Why are you so thirsty? I am here. The One you long for has come. He is here."

God why am I filled with self-pity! How can I be dissatisfied with the most attractive man on the planet? Have I learned nothing from His faithfulness? I'm filled with shame and resentment towards myself for being so easily vulnerable, so ready for anyone to fill my cup with a few coins.
March 2010

Naked

humility...*sigh* ...hurts. I find myself retreating, reflecting, but so stripped of assurance, vision, and goals. I found out that I'm powerless in the world. Yup. Achieving is not the goal. I cannot create success because I don't even know what success is. Sure I can fake it. Sure I can trivialize lesson plans and talk smoke out of my mouth all I want. But I'm just wasting my time! Whenever I find myself anxious, impatient or important I realizxed I've believed that lie again. The lie that requires pep talks, rolling up my sleeves and "dealing" with people, or pointing my finger and raising my brow. I've learned, therefore I know. Wow when did I become God? Obviously I've come to the place where, "my answers can break hearts." But God still uses me. His grace overlooks my childlike scribblings and gives me a star. "You will learn" He says quietly and then I see. Oh man do I see. I have made myself the wielder, the controller, the discipliner and I wonder why my actions are dead and my heart is empty. God, you made me to be a clay jar, that's it. I just carry you! Wow. Guess what? Glory is not mine. Ever. Personality is produced out of insecurity. All my "leadership" qualities were good and all but I have no idea what that means!He's stripped me. Ouch! the bark is so comforting and He's severing it. I'm naked. God I'm just a pawn. Anything I'm meant to do is solely obedience to Your movement. Simple as that. I should feel freedom in the release of pressure, the realization that its all on you God. I'm blessed to even be apart of Your plan. How can I judge my sin and tell myself what I'm allowed and not allowed to do? Wow God, keep blasting away my expectations and agendas. You've known all along my heart was filthy and yet you aren't discouraged. I will wait. Your clock joyfully ticks in Your Sovereignty.
February 2010