Walls

I've just come to realize the forts I've constructed. Many I've made on my own. I believe we all our builders, we don't have a choice. But left to our own vices we make fortresses instead of homes. Ouch. While i may have been busy blocking and censoring, there was nothing I was trying to accommodate in my heart instead. Help! Jesus!!! Come to this suffering part of my heart. How I've bumped up against others and heard echoes in me and tried to deter my disappointed gaze. Why have I guarded? Holy Spirit don't you, the brutality of beauty dwell within? Have I made you a home in me? My hurting, screaming heart makes me think otherwise. I become obsessed with doing and being disciplined and growing that my roots need vitamins again.  Your words ALONE are my vitamins. Not people time, not creating time, not more discipline or appetite fulfillment. LISTENING to your words is the key. hmmm talk to me again and again my sweet, sweet Creator and Lover. Though I'm finitely small, you zoom in an woo my heart out of it's silly hiding. Jesus come to me in the moments when I try to conjure my beauty and sense of self. Jesus, my heart is heavy for being in this position, very guarded and very easily wearied. Ugh where are is the wellspring of life you promised and how have I rejected it Jesus? Why do I hide in moments where I am to serve you? It's the pressure. I feel inadequate to measure up and so I don't give it a chance. God I put so much pressure on myself and end up stifling the potential I have. What do I do?? How do I choose faith instead? How do I act from where I am at? How do I uncensor myself in a holy fashion, pleasing to you?

Obssessing over His feet

I' ve come to realize that the present in light of eternity leaves little value in circumstantial worry or doubt. They exist but they are passing. The highlights and the treasures in the now involve my heart's affections and what stirs them. It involves my eyes and the voice I hear when I move. All these chess pieces that have been moving, the offenses that have exposed my overgrown hedges and my driving fears bring me back to one face.
You see, the passing trials come and go but His gaze is locked and He is finally getting my attention. You know those couples that see each other in a crowded place and it becomes only them in the room? Jesus is my locked gaze. He is a God of intimacy and no matter the beauty or good that may reflect off of me, He, above all is thoroughly knowledgeable of the pathetic doubts that I have entertained, the lying voices that have thundered through my inward man day and night and my wavering ways. Yet He has never left my side. This is the wonder of wonders isn't it?! That the God of the universe gives Himself away forever and ever, covenant-tied to the ashes of me!! Oh how self-pity tries to weasel its way on like a name tag and disappointment goads my relationships into defense mode. Don't forget discontment's rally to begin a tail chasing frenzy. He has to tell me thousands of times a day how to fight. My script is blurred from my sweaty hands and tears; crumpled from seemingly failed attempts. So lately, I've just started boasting in what I've got: Him! I've been loving Him more than the ruts that I feel I'm to endure for now. My captive attention has locked onto His feet. Tunnel vision makes my life better and my load lighter. One foot lifts, the other holds weight as the first establishes a tread with a long stride. Wow these feet are so beautiful. Unfettered and conquering, these feet know where they are going and they lead with perfect pace, fully aware of my dawdling follow through. Tell me, whose simple task matches the fullness of His? Forever everlasting love is His nature and it is lavished on me! He does not lead me to be tempted but leads me to be delivered and testing and trials only ensure deliverance, perfected peace and love and faith. I am challenged time after time, " Sophia, what is your hope? Will it stand? You are worth serving the Most High God!" One foot in front of the other. His stride does not become inhibited by my pain or rebellion. He knows my darkness well but He calls me Lovely and woos my heart to softness confident only to receive Truth. Because He does not lie. He wants my best. He seeks my sanctification; looking like Him! His sun shining, unbelievably He calls me moon praising the shine that I am to reflect. He willing does all the work. There is nothing bigger then Him and there is never anything for Him to freak out over, not even my mess! His nature is a goodness you can only believe if you taste. These feet make you hungrier. Following this man will kill your self-improvement, guessing games and facades. Control become less and less an ambition and more a self awareness. The truth is, living doesn't mean preventing pain and micro-managing to ensure pleasure. I'm free from the experimental rat cage predictability. Instead, my life joy is offering up this livelihood to the most authentic, sure-fire Answer the world has ever known. My darkness has once been informed of light when He stepped into my heart's chambers. Now I follow these feet as He leads into Brighter light. It becomes more appealing everyday. Our destination will clear up the narrowness now. Who am I to calculate our love? For He is who I am following.

Mothering my childish heart

Ouch. My heart was caught in public. Embarrassed. A child who got away from her mother, obnoxious to distraction. Look at me! She yells. I need your attention!
Playing with hearts like toys brandishing innocent smiles like her hands mean well. "You are a good play thing but that's all you can be." Heart, how you've convinced me your childish ways are cute! This need cries out and male attention is like a match that sets the whole thing a blaze. The character I thought I had going for me was overridden by the scent of affection. The beast is awakened and unsatisfied. FEED ME!
I sit back aghast at this tell-tale condition of desperation. Is that really me? But I thought I was fine. She eats her veggies and she has learned how to read. Teachers say she's one of the best students. And yet desperation calls to her and she responds like its her name! Obedient to hold their gaze like a catcher in left-field. Is this the shame I've born?
The immaturity I've tried to hide? Doing and doing to hide my addiction to attention?
Did you draw him close to expose this bratty diva?
YOU KNEW!
The whole time I perceived your wisdom to be orchestrating and training, You placing me to learn more, to help. "Look at us God! There is hope for humanity." Maybe I'm not the efficient tool I thought I was and it's me that needs to change.
As long as you aren't shining that bright light on my weak parts I'm fine and we can be close Lord.
I don't like giving up my chocolates and my messy face is cute right Papa God?
If I stay happy in you and not worry I can keep playing games right?
Obedience is change. Obedience calls me to identify with an older age group.
You know me!
You signed onto my unkempt whines and obstinate fits.
If man looks at the outward appearance but you look at the heart, I've heard many pleasing remarks and I pay bills. But it's you who sees my three year old self in her glory and you want more from me. "This is the tug of war I've had so much trouble with?"
Put me in my place. Submission rests these desires and reveals the pain that looks so harmless but needs to grieve. All of me Lord. I need to grow up and give up on these binging practices so my heart's hunger for love can feast on you, the God man, embodiment of love.

Whose filling in my blanks?

I'm being sifted.

He told me that He wouldn't give me anything I couldn't bear.

 Could my circumstances be the honor He wishes to bestow?

 I give. I don't understand many things. I'm insecure and I can come up with excuses not to change that. But then the pressure grabs my attention again. Am I guarding the truth or defending the wounds I've settled to be defined by? I will not hide my weakness for it reveals the silliness of my will. For it is true that the One who made me could never be wrong. He starts with my inside. He sees it fitting to do complete work that can never be undone. Why recreate a shell when you can instill a vessel with the ever-present help and  Spirit of the God who is Living in order to establish a mind that challenges frauds and cheap satisfaction. So I'm reduced again in the uproar of demands for my attention. "Give it," "Love me," "Consume!" "Are you listening?" "Spend!" "Now!" "What are you dependent on?" I drop my shield for one moment and all my vulnerabilities are exposed and exploited. Foolishness then becomes the only path for my flighty fancies. 

Keep me from the mouth of my Oppressor, Jesus. Lord, guide me into the rooms, the sidewalks, the stalls, the shades, the recliners and seats of your will that my reports would be empty pages for you to fill, that my desires would pave stable paths for others to follow.

 Lately, I've left open my blanks for others to use, for the past to trump and for pain to clarify. Sophia always__________ so she is_______. She_____________to others and ______________ with what she has. Sophia is____________. Others say__________________so consequently_______________. Restlessness and frustration fuel death's prosecuted hand to scrawl all over grace's handiwork inside of me. How can weakness be a reason to boast? When the pain of my heart is revealed by abandonment's claim and this vulnerability is a chance for my Personal Father to grace me.  When trials and tribulations call my bluffs, Jesus comes to bestow His imperishable seed within me. "What I'm teaching you now," He woos me, " will be armor you will bear for others so it will not be a ministry you advertise but My Presence about and within you."

We walk through death together. 

He makes perfect cases in our defense.

We will be complete in His verdict of salvation.

Wholly claimed unto Jesus' riches.

His work is finished.

Spiritual Rightness

Jesus has contestors. Just like altars to Baal and wise men who can match our staffs that turn into snakes, we have modern-day look  a likes in the spiritual realm. Other sects believe in healing. They may use healing or rituals or other unforeseen remedies. Other sects abandon materials to prioritize spiritual vitality and point to the richness of relationship, awaiting a new era. Other sects are extreme. Time and risk are barely a second thought to some trailblazers who follow other names and embody other messages. But our Lord, Jesus, the Son of God is not a spiritually blurry Savior. He is notjust a knowledgeable rabbi and salvation is only for those who build their lives on His foundation. As quoted in the movie, Cloud Atlas by a character who bore witness to her life, "There is only one Truth. That is why it's singular." His Spirit remains in those who believe that our living Father holistically demonstrated Himself among us through Jesus' life, crucifixion and resurrection. Even Jews who hold the richness of Yahweh's history and practice cannot cast out a demon unless they come up under their Messiah's name and wield it. Our spiritual rejuvenation because of Jesus Christ is our foretaste into the eternal things to come and it's just as spooky, sometimes unearthly/irrelevant or even hokey as all other spiritual avenues if Jesus' power is not made manifest. In His name we do walk but even Jesus said that if His works did not account for the message He bore than His hearers should discount Him. Whether you are Muslim, New Age, Hari Chrishna, Buddhist, whatever, manifestations are familiar and unimpressive. What is it about Jesus Christ that speaks to the searching heart. What is it about our Lord whose Spirit lives inside of us, that stands solid and justified while Baal's altar remains unresponsive or Pharaoh's wise men get their snakes devoured by Yahweh's? We stand on one name alone believing that when Jesus came into the world the darkness humanity had known was met by His light of meaning and the reality of His Father in heaven. We cannot "channel energy", meditate, heal, prophecy, understand apart from this Light of the World and all other gods are copies and perversions of lifestyles in tune with our Savior. Our intimacy through living and learning but most importantly, loving the Son of God and what our Father commands, keeps us in tune with this ultimate authority on Truth. I, Sophia, can only manifest Jesus Christ if I recognize the substance in what He promised in my circumstances, thoughts and desires and advance in them, but it is Christ who holds all wisdom and imparts it freely through His Spirit. I can only follow and love with all of me and encourage others to do the same. I know that this is what I will be held accountable one day for. I know that as I profess the truths of Radical Jesus, the Son of Man, I must be fully yielded to the message as well that my living would testify that Truth is true in me.

Faith is the vision you cast Papa. Victory you've called and painted and proclaimed. Yes! my heart agrees and looks to participate. Only, "How?" I ask. I'll walk on water if you just explain the how so can you teach me. My question remains unanswered but the vision doesn't stop and the urgency for me to receive it keeps knocking on my door. Yea Yea I got it Papa and I want it! Just, real quick, answer my question: How? "Faith" is your answer. Ha! Papa you make me laugh. Faith is your call. "How" is my question. Faith is your answer and your grace is unlimited so this is not an unfathomable reality for me to have.
It's not about understanding. As I stand firm. As I advance. As I proclaim the testimony of your salvation in my mind. I'm distracted by the pressure to answer the How. But this question doesn't matter because you have already won!!!! The answer is that in you is victory!! and the question is who wins!! HAHA! What joy when I realize that the dead ends I was pushing were dead ways of thinking and not unattended prayers.
Belief continues when change again. Belief goes deeper when Jesus is the only answer and the only true delight.

When the calender ends...

there is something so pressing about the end of education as I know it and an unplanned future. Need already exists in my future, it's not blank. My call and financial obligations call out reminding me of the cost and challenging my joy. I've encountered the oppressor time and again making grabs at my hope, my faith and the promise that paves the way ahead. I start this semester off by saying, "NO!" there are truths that have held to be self evident. I've been financially provided for, I've been surrounded by God's people time and again. He equips my hands to do the work that I never thought I could. He calls me out with names I don't understand. "RockClimber! Bold One! Prophet! Heart Nurse! Come away with me and i will put your feet on a straight path and lavish you with peace that you could never obtain or articulate."

Life behind, Desire for healing ahead

I've been encouraged to shoot high. Graduation cap is thrown in the air and I'm charged not to settle. Run run run! What to do with all this potential? Circumstantially, divinely set up with riches I can't even perceive how do I engage the world now? Fears of incompetence have been my worst enemy. Do I have what it takes to undergo "adult material." Out of the US I'm called. "Maybe stay awhile" I've considered but regardless of the roots that grow in this soil, my soul won't be satisfied until I get over there and out of here for awhile. The matrix is my call but I must get out in order to recognize it's thorough complexities.
So I've looked to the organization WORD MADE FLESH and considered their mission quite a bit. My heart is settled. Romania and Moldova are the destinations that I'm applying for at the end of the year. To me, this is an open door beyond the four month trip. I know once I get my feet wet God will guide me further. Now, as I wait I must sort through my motivations. Why? Why WMF? Why serving? Would I be willing to sacrifice for the sake of those in utmost needs? Will I succumb to frailty or faith in said circumstances?
"Whoever finds his life will lose it. Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" Matthew 10:39
This is the explanation of my decision. I choose to take the accumulation of my college experience and go forth to serve; losing my life's goals and ambitions for the sake of Jesus' heart for children on the streets and unimaginable hopelessness. Sure, I could stick around and diligently pursue social justice in local communities. This is an honorable choice, but there's a depth of need I have to witness. I need to hear God's heart beat louder than I've ever known. Do I seek suffering for my own gain? You could say that. I'm blinded by the comforts Im surrounded by here and I'm sure as a graduate I'll be limited but have I truly witnessed depravity? I wouldn't say so. If I don't witness extreme depravity I won't know the depths of Jesus' love. Need here is relative. People are deprived of comforts and I have friends who can count loved ones on one hand. But there is enough governmental aid and church intervention, where I've been at least, to give attention to these needs. Love here, abounds in faithfulness and patience but there is somewhere to go for them and many to give. I long to be shaped by the activity of God's care and attention to those he pursues-widows and orphans. I long to relearn words like value, rich, poor, contentment, worship, friendship and faithfulness. Im not ready for America yet and I believe my desire for missions will prepare me.
Why WMF? Have you read their values and goals!? Ah I love it. Embracing the vulnerability of a role of a servant to those who are in need and circumstances we have never experienced is reality! Though privileged, what am I but a co-inheritor of Jesus' richness and I love the honesty and safety of this organization to allow for growth to start from brokenness. This is servanthood: being secure in your limits because you know that your lack will be abundantly supplied for. I know I'm called and commanded and I will answer and see what graces I uncover when I do. Word Made Flesh goes low and allows for questioning and authenticity while knowing that Jesus is central and it is Him we serve throughout the process.
What are my fears? Competency. Debt. Burn out. Self-focus. I need to believe Jesus will sustain me and that I've overcome these false threats as it seems. Each are maneuverable and I will be provided with truth of freedom.

Being in the Moment

Post grad-life has given way to a myriad of paths. One minute I throw my cap in the air and the next all I know is a gust of wind has flung open a door onto unpaved streets and demands with deadlines. My thinking became reduced to -- job, debt, food, gas, car payment, calling, security, debt, calling, MONEY??? The answer isn't money. I thought I'd save the suspense and let you know that now. Walking through the door has been a game of sorts. It gives way for living like the world is yours to discover and utilize and meet. It also unmercifully requires an excellence from you and your "career path". Know "A" and be trying to get to "B" so that you can make an impact by building "C" and you win! What normal rantings from a naive idealist grad right? She doesn't have the "know" on blind pursuits and she has been fooled time and again by pressures that have no right being hers. Round and round the merry-go-round mind games can turn when I've made a strategy out of living in order to get. How to pay of debt 101: I have know idea!!Living long term with the finances you have now: uh, be wise and give?? How to keep your dream alive in action and in heart: AHH! live aware of what I believe? There are many things I just don't know. I've been given this heart that's being disciplined to give control over. I have so much going for me: I'm healthy and I have the motivation to make those connections, break the comfort zone, do the work, get over myself, do the work again and again and again. But for what??? My life will be one that I will look back and say, "yes, I did persevere. Faith in the Truth remained in me and consumed my will. yes, I gave my life to love those who needed it most. yes I overcame all the obstacles i was called to." But how do I live in the now? With so many indefinites I do recognize that I could live without so many things and i've concluded that all I really want is a job. With this debt, all I really want is a continual source of income. I can live in a car for all I care. My will is strong and I will do what I have to. But my salvation is not even about any of these things. I'm worth more than just staying happy by praying through years of working this lump sum away. What fuels the visualizations that motivate me cannot be the best version of myself living a life that I can come up with by collaging other people's heroic stories all into my future. Otherwise, we would have the strength of mother Theresa, with the creativity of Shane Claibourne, the valiance of Anne Shirley and the abandoned hospitality of Keith Green. These (excluding Anne I regret) are some who have gone before me. A heritage before them that I too am grafted into. It's a bigger inheritance than all of us and it does not depend on the approval of man's eye. Living in the moment. Coming to God with nothing and leaving with nothing and having peace. Harnessing a mind that run's laps about routine topics while allowing God to be God without the limits I so long to calculate with. Oh how God can turn my head, break my heart, stir my ugliness and demand a perfect standard only He can shape out of me. Only Her.

The Economy of the Kingdom (6/30 Teaching Inspirations and Reflections)

Why is it that Prosperity is a word that seems to describe those who have materially proof of their righteousness and have been rewarded while Jesus was the most prosperous man and He had no place to lay His head? "He was rich, yet for our sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich, " says Paul (2 Cor. 8:9). It was Christ's limitation of communion with the Trinity that made us rich! Why? because God spared nothing in giving us Jesus. This is the precedent for our economy in the Kingdom! Our Father freely gave, let us too freely give. This is true prosperity: our capacity to give. A heart like the Macedonian church that begged Paul that they may give him offerings ad gifts to support/have fellowship with the saints in Jerusalem in abundant joy despite the fact they faced many afflictions and were in a deep state of poverty to the point of being beggars!! "Freely willing," describes Paul (8:3). Our economy as one's in the kingdom is not contingent on what we possess but our capacity in willingness. In verse 12, Paul says,  "if there is FIRST a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what He does not have." What do we have in our hands right now and are our hearts willing to give it all away? But! Let not this stirring of faith be lost on good intentions. Paul advises that it is to our advantage that we start in faith to give freely, to purpose in our hearts to give that that desire may be complete in the giving because God's grace will meet and sustain you in this work abundantly!! Not out of obligation or because we want more for ourselves but just because we like to give to God! It's God who gave us our cars, food, time, energy, clothes, giftings, money, jobs and it is God who feeds us like the birds of the air who don't even reap or sow. He will multiply what you sow and it is directly linked to our righteousness (9:11-10). Our reward is an enlarging of our willingness and liberality in giving and that's why God blesses our seeds! It's not just about supplying for other's needs but it's also a our confession that our priority is glorifying the Gospel:) Living in a flow of God's unending graces is all about sowing for the sake of the Gospel. Sowing now means more blessing later and a greater level of grace demonstrated through us. Are we zealous to do good deeds? Are we radical givers in ways where only God could have supplied that?? or are we just working by the sweat of our brow that we might make ends meet? Give now. Testify that our Savior lives and that He has the obedient service of our money. Purpose in your heart to be freely willing with all you have been given and you will reap a harvest not only for you but for your children!

Love I did you wrong

As I go throughout my day I'm worn, My enthusiasm fades and I don't like seeing so many people because I don't have the time or energy or attention to invest in them. Sometimes I avoid or lie or patronize so I don't have to really "try." I find comfort when anticipated, heart-requiring, painful, comfort-zone challenging interactions are cancelled. Thoughts of my needs cloud my vision and I just want to be alone. I comfort myself by  "being nice" to people, thinking I have done my duty or "put people before myself." My time is given to spending time with people and encouraging them but bearing to lsiten to hearts that I have no understanding of or have anything to say to is tooooo much and I say nice things sometimes just so I feel like I've done my part and I don't have to bear it anymore. I try to keep up with everybody online and offline but I' spread this so it's mostly surface. Intimacy seems farther and farther away and resentment competes with the more urgent call to love. "LOvE, LOVE, your LOve is growing cold!!" I numb the urgency with food or sleep or spontaneity because spending time with Jesus when I'm so needy seems fruitless. Because I'm exhausted and people rely on me I feel like I'm self-sacrificing  and doing the work, but I still avoid that call to love, to be unfettered and to live with divine power. I still have a weak desire for Jesus and sometimes I hesitate when He asks me to follow Him. When I step back and analyze my thought life it's mostly spent in planning, disappointment with my performance, assessing needs and trying to see past myself so that I can "serve". Self- denial is different than self ignorance. I'm longing to live by the Spirit in value and bestowing value. I've been demoted to a half-hearted worker again and I don't know how I was deceived and hardened. My words don't fool God. He hears my prayers and my genuine heart for people is treasured by Him. He's pinpointing the disconnect. Where the desire He has given me is expressed through my ways rather than His. Where I look to manipulate by kindness or flattery or vanity. where emotional connections so easily captivate me and I try to cope with them and what God says at the same time. I look to carry burdens. I look to be wounded. I look for intimacy in an ocean of relationship. Sometimes I feel drowned in fleshy interactions, grasping at any noble or good thing to set my mind on. then I strive to find just one good thing to settle on, not realizing that I've been deceived into identifying a "form" of godliness. What are these flowery nothings I speak? What are these half-hearted condemnations that drain me? What are these old ways I feel are threatened? What are these immaturities I'm scared will be seen? If I voiced what I really wanted to say would Jesus be heard? How have I been fooled into thinking this is love? How have I turned away from the bloody cross, the empty tomb and the endwelling flame to say a cold, ignorant, "I love you" This doesn't satisfy, what am I doing?!
I'm exposing my flesh!
I CAN'T LOVE! I DON'T UNDERSTAND LOVE! I REPENT FROM PRETENDING TO BE THE CHILD I'VE GIVEN UP ON OR DISBELIEVED IN! MY WAYS ARE FAULTY AND THOSE DEFEATING OBSTACLES ARE LITTLE COMPARED TO YOUR LOVE.
"GIVE ME EVERYTHING!" You say, "DON'T HOLD BACK! Leave behind these attempts and more forward by proclaiming death and the choice I've given you to choose me! I'm SO JEALOUS FOR YOU and YOUR ATTENTION and PREOCCUPATIONS. I'M NOT SAFE and CONTROL IS A LIE!"
I embrace Your most High standard instead of looking away and coping because I can't live it. I need intimacy more than anything else in my life.
All the stress and business was you! Trying to bring forth my needs and inability; all the pressure was for me to come to the end of myself. JEsus when I'm not willing or ignorant about how to fight for myself you use your own ways to save me. How could I dare to shrink/ justify/ or dull love so that I could "understand" it and "use" it. My micro-managed version is pitiful compared to reality and I can't love.

"Set me as a seal upon your heart. As a seal upon your arm; for your love is as strong as death, Jealousy as sever as Hell. It's flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly despised."
Song of Songs 8:6-7