Killing Ministry

For months I've had the haunting worry/stress/ overall panic that I would be too afraid to be everything God has called me to be in terms of ministry. I've witnessed countless titles but few lives that have been consumed with this call and I know oh to well how easy it is to have a "form" of godliness and lead others to do the same. I knew what I wanted but my fear kept me pinned to the nice, warm comfortable bed of the "sippety-sip" gospel. A little watery, a little deep, a little symbolic, a little emotional but NEVER, Bigger than something explainable. Disillusioned and dejected, God dropped a Simply Him calling in my heart, "Stir hunger, Sophia," He told me, "But not as one whose done feasting." You see, I'm not called to be a youth minister!! I'm not. I was made for something a WHOLE lot better and beautiful: to be a lover and first-hand witness of the Real man Jesus Himself. Lately, I've been so down with self-condemnation as this title has been banging around in my head, "Sophia, you call yourself a youth minister and your too scared to do this?" "Wow, your stuck up, how are you going to reach embittered kids." Youth minister, ha! You don't even know how to love," Yea, lots of condemnation. BUT, I don't have to put up with that bull any longer. Mmmmhmm no sirrree:D Cuz I'm not a youth minister. I get the joy and the privilege to consume as much of Jesus as I can in order to offer access to Him to others through my life. As I honor the requirements and teachings needed to fulfill the job of a youth minister I also remember that  it is not my law and my first and foremost priority is to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit as He has been given to me to know without a shadow of a doubt the hungry
MORE my heart has been crying out for alllllll my life. Tonight I could hear it. So beautiful, so real and unrelenting: the hope of Jesus loving us to heaven on earth; footsteps running to me. No longer was I grasping, longing, needing. God is running towards me in full force with a hope that beats like a drum and cries like a birthing mother. So tonight, I kill that idol with joy. I refuse to identify myself with anything less than God's wife. Am I perfect enough for that title?? Did Hosea not marry a prostitute? I have felt the reassuring kisses of His goodness as He whispers in my ear hope and becomes the solid rock I need and fills me with water and helps my eyes see light and surrounds me with rock solid wings and draws quiet words in the dust before me. HE IS GOOD. And His jealousy quiets my storms:)