Walls

I've just come to realize the forts I've constructed. Many I've made on my own. I believe we all our builders, we don't have a choice. But left to our own vices we make fortresses instead of homes. Ouch. While i may have been busy blocking and censoring, there was nothing I was trying to accommodate in my heart instead. Help! Jesus!!! Come to this suffering part of my heart. How I've bumped up against others and heard echoes in me and tried to deter my disappointed gaze. Why have I guarded? Holy Spirit don't you, the brutality of beauty dwell within? Have I made you a home in me? My hurting, screaming heart makes me think otherwise. I become obsessed with doing and being disciplined and growing that my roots need vitamins again.  Your words ALONE are my vitamins. Not people time, not creating time, not more discipline or appetite fulfillment. LISTENING to your words is the key. hmmm talk to me again and again my sweet, sweet Creator and Lover. Though I'm finitely small, you zoom in an woo my heart out of it's silly hiding. Jesus come to me in the moments when I try to conjure my beauty and sense of self. Jesus, my heart is heavy for being in this position, very guarded and very easily wearied. Ugh where are is the wellspring of life you promised and how have I rejected it Jesus? Why do I hide in moments where I am to serve you? It's the pressure. I feel inadequate to measure up and so I don't give it a chance. God I put so much pressure on myself and end up stifling the potential I have. What do I do?? How do I choose faith instead? How do I act from where I am at? How do I uncensor myself in a holy fashion, pleasing to you?