Being in the Moment

Post grad-life has given way to a myriad of paths. One minute I throw my cap in the air and the next all I know is a gust of wind has flung open a door onto unpaved streets and demands with deadlines. My thinking became reduced to -- job, debt, food, gas, car payment, calling, security, debt, calling, MONEY??? The answer isn't money. I thought I'd save the suspense and let you know that now. Walking through the door has been a game of sorts. It gives way for living like the world is yours to discover and utilize and meet. It also unmercifully requires an excellence from you and your "career path". Know "A" and be trying to get to "B" so that you can make an impact by building "C" and you win! What normal rantings from a naive idealist grad right? She doesn't have the "know" on blind pursuits and she has been fooled time and again by pressures that have no right being hers. Round and round the merry-go-round mind games can turn when I've made a strategy out of living in order to get. How to pay of debt 101: I have know idea!!Living long term with the finances you have now: uh, be wise and give?? How to keep your dream alive in action and in heart: AHH! live aware of what I believe? There are many things I just don't know. I've been given this heart that's being disciplined to give control over. I have so much going for me: I'm healthy and I have the motivation to make those connections, break the comfort zone, do the work, get over myself, do the work again and again and again. But for what??? My life will be one that I will look back and say, "yes, I did persevere. Faith in the Truth remained in me and consumed my will. yes, I gave my life to love those who needed it most. yes I overcame all the obstacles i was called to." But how do I live in the now? With so many indefinites I do recognize that I could live without so many things and i've concluded that all I really want is a job. With this debt, all I really want is a continual source of income. I can live in a car for all I care. My will is strong and I will do what I have to. But my salvation is not even about any of these things. I'm worth more than just staying happy by praying through years of working this lump sum away. What fuels the visualizations that motivate me cannot be the best version of myself living a life that I can come up with by collaging other people's heroic stories all into my future. Otherwise, we would have the strength of mother Theresa, with the creativity of Shane Claibourne, the valiance of Anne Shirley and the abandoned hospitality of Keith Green. These (excluding Anne I regret) are some who have gone before me. A heritage before them that I too am grafted into. It's a bigger inheritance than all of us and it does not depend on the approval of man's eye. Living in the moment. Coming to God with nothing and leaving with nothing and having peace. Harnessing a mind that run's laps about routine topics while allowing God to be God without the limits I so long to calculate with. Oh how God can turn my head, break my heart, stir my ugliness and demand a perfect standard only He can shape out of me. Only Her.