Your Gifts of Silver and Gold I've Been Giving To Another

So I'm stripped. I felt like You took everything from me and I'm left with nothing to identify myself with. Just abstract. Forming to whatever You tell me. That's what I prayed for! That's what I wanted!... and I've felt so lonely. This time that you've set aside for me so graciously I've taken for rejection. I thought that I was out. I did something wrong and sought them out. I'm aching! Looking Jesus! Where is the one my heart loves? Why are you bringing my heart to attention to this loss? How do you fill it? Am I scared to be complete? Am I holding on to this idol of love in my heart. Milking it for all it's worth. Conjuring up touch-feeling fantasies to entertain the missing puzzle piece of my heart? WHY DO I KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN! WHY DO I HOLD OUT? Why do I insist on looking when my mind tells me its not time. You whisper it is. With a knowing smile you whisper,

"It is time, dearest, but not the time you thought. It's time to remember all the years of husband worship. All the years you've spent setting your heart on this man. It's time to relive all the obsessive hours in contemplation and energy devoted to gain approval. Sophia, it's time. You say you are ready to have no expectations and you think you're doing pretty good but what about the lies your believing? Why are you so thirsty? I am here. The One you long for has come. He is here."

God why am I filled with self-pity! How can I be dissatisfied with the most attractive man on the planet? Have I learned nothing from His faithfulness? I'm filled with shame and resentment towards myself for being so easily vulnerable, so ready for anyone to fill my cup with a few coins.
March 2010