Naked

humility...*sigh* ...hurts. I find myself retreating, reflecting, but so stripped of assurance, vision, and goals. I found out that I'm powerless in the world. Yup. Achieving is not the goal. I cannot create success because I don't even know what success is. Sure I can fake it. Sure I can trivialize lesson plans and talk smoke out of my mouth all I want. But I'm just wasting my time! Whenever I find myself anxious, impatient or important I realizxed I've believed that lie again. The lie that requires pep talks, rolling up my sleeves and "dealing" with people, or pointing my finger and raising my brow. I've learned, therefore I know. Wow when did I become God? Obviously I've come to the place where, "my answers can break hearts." But God still uses me. His grace overlooks my childlike scribblings and gives me a star. "You will learn" He says quietly and then I see. Oh man do I see. I have made myself the wielder, the controller, the discipliner and I wonder why my actions are dead and my heart is empty. God, you made me to be a clay jar, that's it. I just carry you! Wow. Guess what? Glory is not mine. Ever. Personality is produced out of insecurity. All my "leadership" qualities were good and all but I have no idea what that means!He's stripped me. Ouch! the bark is so comforting and He's severing it. I'm naked. God I'm just a pawn. Anything I'm meant to do is solely obedience to Your movement. Simple as that. I should feel freedom in the release of pressure, the realization that its all on you God. I'm blessed to even be apart of Your plan. How can I judge my sin and tell myself what I'm allowed and not allowed to do? Wow God, keep blasting away my expectations and agendas. You've known all along my heart was filthy and yet you aren't discouraged. I will wait. Your clock joyfully ticks in Your Sovereignty.
February 2010